Archive for the ‘Sandra Lee’ Category

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Letters To The Crowd

November 5, 2008

Dear Timmy,

Is it going to be physically possible for you to do hockey player-type things for consecutive days in a row? You play in two games this weekend, and then sit out practice today with groin problems. I know Lindy’s cutting you a little bit of slack, but good god man, this hurt/sore/tired/sleepy/bitchy/horny/hurt cycle has got to stop. We need you healthy and in the lineup.

Please play Friday.

Regards,

Shots Off The Crossbar

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Dear Jochen,

Welcome back to the fold. We missed you. Hopefully, you’ll be back on your line with Pommers and get him working again at increasing the population of Pominville. We need your calm, stoic presence on the bench and on the penalty kill.

Just don’t break anything else.

Regards,

Shots Off the Crossbar

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Dear Patrick,

Patty, Pat, Pat. We need to talk. Come over here and sit next to me. Comfy? Good.

[smack upside the head]

I’m deeply distressed by your comments to Nick Mendola of WGR about your non-participation in this year’s election. You’re 22 years old. There’s absolutely no reason to plead ignorance about events in the political spectrum. Its really not that hard to stay in the loop these days. Talk to your parents and friends about their political leanings. Go online and check out the candidates’ positions. If you’re confused about democracy in general, have Adam Mair continue reading aloud from the pop-up version of Duck For President. I know that the pop-up duck may be a little scary for you and the rest of the youngins in the locker room, but keep listening to the story. You’ll learn a lot.

It’s your country too, sunshine. And with being from Buffalo originally, its not like voting is extra complicated for you. You have to go to your local polling place. Its not like you need to vote by absentee ballot. While you’re a good citizen (presumably) in every other aspect of your life, this is one area where you could improve.

Disappointed,

Shots Off the Crossbar

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Dear Ryan,

Thank you for cancelling out the sheer idiocy of Pat Kaleta by managing to sound like a reasonably well-informed intelligent voter. You also get bonus points for using multisyllabic words and formulating a clear analysis of the differences between President Bush, Senator McCain and President-elect Obama. I also liked your repeated mentions of not wanting to discuss who you voted for, though a careful reading between the lines could allow one to make an educated guess.

That sound you heard is my geeky little heart rejoicing in someone not being afraid to sound smart. Thank you.

Regards,

Shots Off the Crossbar

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Dear Sandra Lee,

Step away from the bronzer and the hair bleach. Your latest PSA for Share Our Strength shows you looking pretty rough. Your skin should not be the color of an Oompa Loompa, and your hair should not be bright blessed blond. In addition, your skin was looking a little leathery. Get thee some moisturizer.

“Keep it simple” just should be about the tablescape and menu, dear.

Regards,

Shots Off the Crossbar

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