Letters to Some Nuts

April 29, 2008

Dear Philly Phans –

Please stop booing “O Canada.” Don’t take your dislike for one hockey team out on an entire nation.




Dear Montreal Fans –

Please don’t boo the Star Spangled Banner. You’re better than that.




Dear PJ Stock –

Keep up your wonderfully goofy analysis. You play the role of wacky antagonist so much better than Mr. Donald S. Cherry.




Dear Derian Hatcher –

What the fuck were you thinking last night when you shoved a guy from behind face first into the glass? You were damn lucky that Montreal managed to not score three goals on the five minute power-play that you so charitably gave them. Two is bad enough, but three probably would have gotten you killed by the fans.

Don’t ever fucking do it again. Please don’t take this as a sign that I’m rooting for your team. I’m rooting for hockey, and asshole plays like that make hockey look bad.



Dear Zach Parise –

Please try not to lord that “A” on your Team USA sweater over Stafford and Martin’s heads. They’re bigger than you and probably could stuff you in a garbage can, refrigerator or other close quartered area very easily. Not to mention that Stafford probably has an incriminating photo or two of you somewheres.

Keep that in mind, and enjoy the World Championships.




Dear Ryan Miller –

Update your fucking blog already. Inquiring minds want to know who the Sabres backup backup goalie is and whether or not you or the guys want to throttle Bucky Gleason.

The end.




  1. Great letters, Amy!

    It really frustrates me when opposing fans boo national anthems. I feel like one of the best parts of hockey is how it unites the two countries, and that unity should be respected. Grrr…

    And PJ is TOTALLY better than Don Cherry. Every time I see him on TV I smile because I know that he’s going to say something crazy just to ruffle feathers. And I love how he can do it all with that mega-watt smile.

  2. :^::::::::::::::: Great post!

    Not to mention that Stafford probably has an incriminating photo or two of you somewheres.

    Staffy’s idea of an incriminating photo would be Zach not wearing skin-tight leopard-print pants and a cut-off t-shirt.

  3. Love this blog! Hockey fans are too classy to boo national anthems. I think of them in a totally different category than other sports fans. The game should bring them all together.

    And yes, Ryan, update your blog already. If you’re gonna do this, you’ve got to do it right. We need daily updates.

  4. Dear SOTC,

    My employer has asked me to reassure you that Mr. Stafford does not possess any photographs of incriminating nature of Master Zach Parise. At least not any photographs that are recognizably of Master Zach Parise. Mr. Stafford has an uncontrollable habit of posing all of his friends and acquaintances in false mustaches before photographing them, so all of Master Zach’s youthful indiscretions captured on film are conveniently disguised.

    Consequently, Master Zach will be lording his “A” over Mr. Stafford with impunity.

    Kindest Regards,

  5. Dear SOTC,

    What you said.


    Dear Boxworthy,

    As much as my love for Drew Stafford knows no bounds, I sincerely hope that Master Zach lords his “A” over him. Drew had a terrible season and needs to be reminded that he’s not as awesome as Fabian thinks he is.


    And, for serious, I really hate it when people are all about eliminating Canadian teams from the playoffs. Who cares? There are like 4x as many American teams as there are Canadian, odds are already in our favor.

  6. Thought I’d come out of lurking and comment on your blog to say that I love it!

    The booing drives me crazy… I think mainly because it doesn’t happen at HSBC near the border and all, but nevertheless, I hate it.

    Maybe Staffy also has pictures of Zach with a different haircut a la Red Seal Peach pictures. I’m sure Zach wants to hide the fact that he wasn’t actually born with that awesome style.

  7. Awesome post, Amy! I am just DISTRAUGHT by Crunchy’s lack of updates. I can’t believe I thought I was living a full life before Crunchy started his blog. 😛

  8. Crunchy is in NYC tonight, if you didn’t see the interview with him on Versus. They were talking to him about being selected for the goaltender equipment committee. Why is it that a guy who owns a clothing store looks like he took his clothes out of his dead great-uncle’s closet?

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