Toe Pick!May 23, 2008
The Cutting Edge is one of my favorite movies. Yes, it totally is cheesetastic, but its quotability more than makes up for the cheese factor. While the ending to the movie provided some closure, it did leave things relatively open ended, in case some idiot in Hollywood wanted to do a sequel.
Well, two years ago, the folks at ABC Family decided to produce The Cutting Edge 2. Like most sequels, it lacked the spunk and sass of the original. What really irked me was that the sequel contained the exact same plot as the original: rich, spoiled girl finds skating partner in ruffian hockey player. Only the hockey player didn’t play the game on ice, he was a roller hockey phenom. And the rich spoiled girl – played by Christy Carlson Romano, aka that annoying girl that tortured Hilary Duff’s character in Cadet Kelly – was the daughter of Kate and Doug Dorsey, the main characters in the original version. However, neither Moira Kelly or DB Sweeney showed up in the sequel, which is wrong on so many different levels. I guess the sequel did really well in the ratings, so TPTB at ABC Family decided to make The Cutting Edge 3. Because there’s no hockey on, and I’m a glutton for punishment, I decided to do a live blog of this movie. Heaven help me.
All times are what my laptop clock says as I am writing this entry.
705pm – the movie opens with our lead male character (Zach) in his bed, in what appears to be nothing more than a pair of black underoos with a strategically placed sheet covering most of the goodies. He’s reciting verbatim the play-by-play of the skating footage he’s watching and rewinding on his TiFaux. This guy looks familiar, so I bop over to IMDB to see who the heck he is. Turns out, he was on Heroes, as the guy who was killed by Claire after he tried to rape her.
707pm – Zach’s skating partner (Celeste) shows up and chides him on his manwhoring ways. What is it about men on skates and manwhoredom? Is it a requirement in order to purchase skates?
709 pm – An Asshole coach shows up to chew our young skaters a new one. Turns out that Zach and Celeste slept together and broke up, but must keep up the loving couple charade for the American public.
710pm – Injury! Bloodshed! Carnage! Celeste hurts herself. She channels her inner Nancy Kerrigan in dealing with the injury. She tearfully informs Zach that she won’t be able to skate for the next couple of months. Gee, what will our hero do now?
713pm – Sad montage of Zachie-poo skating all by his lonesome, while Celeste and Asshole Coach scheme to find him a partner.
715pm – Its the montage that doesn’t end, yes it goes on and on my friends. Some people started watching it not knowing what it was, and they’ll continue watching it forever just because…
717pm – Zachie-poo’s ice session is interruption runs into a hockey team populated by a bunch of street ruffians. I’m having fun trying to spot the logoless NHL gear being worn by the ruffians. So far, I’ve spotted a logo less Avs sweater, a logo-less NY Islanders Gorton’s Fisherman sweater, a logoless Stars sweater, and a rip off of Marty Broduer’s mask. What’s absolutely ridiculous is that the goalie wearing the Avs jersey is also wearing the ripoff Marty mask. That’s just wrong on so many levels.
718pm – Lets play some shinny! Just picture the Mighty Ducks scenes where the figure skater fooled everyone and that’s all that happens here.
719pm – Ooh, a logoless Florida Panthers sweater has made an appearance! Either the producers didn’t want to pony up the bucks to the NHL to use the actual logos, or the NHL didn’t want to be associated with this pile of crap. And for the NHL, that’s saying a lot.
722pm – Dear little Zach is checked into the boards by a girl playing for the ruffians. Of course, we have to have the “pull-the-helmet-off-and-reveal-she’s-a-girl” scene. Because as we all know, girls don’t play hockey. And holy cow, how did she get all that hair stuffed into a cage helmet?
729pm – It looks like Zach’s new partner is going to be a “badass Russian bimbo” who has agreed to move aside when Celeste’s injury heals. Can they say “badass bimbo” on ABC Family Channel?
731pm – We’ve now moved to a restaurant named Taqueria Delgado. He’s looking for the chickie (whose name we learn is Alex) that dismantled him playing hockey. I’m distracted from the dialogue for a moment as Zach’s biceps have made quite the appearance in a tight grey t-shirt.
733pm – Alex protests switching from hockey skates to figure skates. As Zach walks towards his car, he unlocks his sweet BMW convertible. I hate to break it to the little devil, but if someone’s going to steal a convertible, a door lock probably isn’t going to stop them.
736pm – Badass Russian Bimbo shows up in a tracksuit about three sizes too small. She stomps off after Zach whispers some sweet nothings in her ear regarding what she threatened to do to her last partner.
737pm – Alex shows up for her tryout, and promptly falls on her face due to…you guessed it, a toe pick! After that wonderful start, the two of them do manage to skate reasonably gracefully together. Coach Asshole doesn’t like her, but Celeste thinks Alex looks good with Zach.
744pm – MamaAlex gives her daughter a pep talk that includes pulling out her daughter’s Secret Box of Pain, that contained the ice skates Alex wore as a child before she had to give up skating due to the cost. Alex decides to give this skating thing a shot again.
746pm – Its another montage, this time focusing on how to do a lift. If you’ve seen Dirty Dancing, you’ve seen this montage.
750pm – Alex’s brother shows up at an outdoor running practice, and gets into it with Coach Asshole, in front of the press, mind you. I’m just stuck on the fact that ice skaters are being shadowed by the press at training sessions. Most people – press included – wouldn’t know a figure skater if they tripped over them on the street. Coach Asshole then quits because he doesn’t want to deal with Zach and his pet project Alex.
755pm – Laundry and snack break (Boston Cream donut from Timmy Ho’s, in case you were wondering)
800pm – Since Coach Asshole has left them, our heroes appear to be royally screwed. However, Zach’s got a guy (or girl, in this case) to help them out. Its none other than Christy Carlson Romano – aka Dooglas and Katia’s daughter. And I think I just found a hole in the space / time continuum. CCR mentions that its been six years since she competed against Zach in Torino. If we’re talking about the Torino Olympics, those happened in 2006, meaning this movie is sent in 2012. This setup makes absolutely no sense.
But back to the movie, CCR agrees to coach our heroes, but only if they promise to live, breathe, eat and sleep skating.
805pm – I covet Zach’s house. Open floor plan, hardwood floors, a wall of glass windows. Its absolutely stunning, in addition to being very warm and inviting.
809pm – After frolicking outside with Alex, Zach enters the house to find Celeste there fulfilling autograph commitments. She cautions him about having Alex fall in love with her, as she knows how devastating that can be.
811pm – Its another skating montage that doesn’t end. Included in this montage are the requisite shots of one or both skaters falling down or in some sort of pain. Also, who knew rap music was effective background music for a skating montage?
815pm – Why the hell is Zach asleep on a couch in the Taqueria? I think the department of health frowns upon people sleeping in a dining establishment.
819pm – Montage! Montage! It’s another montage! Ballet and skating training set to “Apologize.” How many more montages are they going to do? Less is more, people!
822pm – Again, Zach’s asleep in the Taqueria. This guy has a gorgeous house with five bathrooms and he’s sleeping in a restaurant. Sigh.
823pm – After being woken up by Alex’s brother, there’s some schmoopiness where Zach says everything but “I Love You” to Alex.
825pm – Nationals. Its no Junior Pairs ’82, I can tell you that.
827pm – Oh noes! Zach, distracted by Celeste kissing Coach Asshole, screws up during a side-by-side spin and catches Alex in the head with his skate blade. After the commercial, we find that Alex isn’t hurt – she’s not even bleeding – and they get up and continue the routine. Seriously though, after taking a skate blade to the head, she should be bleeding like a stuck piglet and calling Zach all sorts of names not fit for an ABC Family telecast. But no, everything is sunshine, kittens, puppies and rainbows.
830pm – Because there’s still another 42 minutes left in this godforsaken movie, we have a contrived circumstance that allows Zach and Alex to make the team for worlds internationals despite placing fourth at nationals states.
833pm – Zach blows off the afterparty at the taqueria to go skate with a magically healed Celeste, who is now engaged to Coach Asshole. These two kiss and get caught by the paparazzi. Those damn paparazzi are everywhere, I tell you.
835pm – Are you fucking kidding me! They’re actually ripping off the original version of this movie by having Alex and Zach work on adding the Pamchenko to their routine. Oh wait, I’m wrong. This version is totally different than in the original version because its the guy having the qualms about the move rather than the girl. And more importantly, how is Pamchenko recognized as a word by Firefox’s spell check?!
836pm – Insert requisite Pamchenko training montage here. The only difference between this montage and the one in the original Cutting Edge is that Alex is wearing a helmet during all the training, while Kate did not.
843pm – And those paparazzi photos come back to bite dear Zach in the ass. He’s confronted with them by a rival skating pair at a press conference. I have to say, the villainous skaters in this sequel make Lori Pekarovsky and Brian look like saps.
844pm – Cue the bedroom misunderstanding between our protagonists. Alex sees Zach heading into the Badass Russian Bimbo’s hotel room.
845pm – Now cue the “male skater rushes to grovel to female skater who’s leaving because of the bedroom follies” portion of the movie.
847pm – Looks like the skating paparazzi were hired by Coach Asshole to follow Celeste around. Badass Russian Bimbo spills this and the fact that she slept with Coach Asshole to Zach and Celeste. The actress who plays Celeste really looks like a young Nicole Kidman in this movie.
853pm – Ok, I’m angry now. We’re now at the “male skater declares love for female skater before taking the ice” portion of the movie. This then leads into the “Pamchenko: In Or Out” argument. This is just a blatant rip-off of the original. However, there’s no sparkle in these scenes like there was in the original movie.
854pm – Holy hell, the outfit that Zach is wearing for his skating performance looks like something that Tim Connolly or Derek Roy would wear out on Chippawa. Blue shiny striped shirt, jeans and a wide white belt with a gaudy silver clip. I can’t make this stuff up.
856pm – There was absolutely no reason to remake “She’s Like The Wind” into a hip-hop song. Isn’t one version of this song bad enough?
And this movie ends the same way the original did. And they all lived happily ever after…or at least until Cutting Edge 4 comes out.
I can’t believe that I wrote over 1800 words on this movie. I need a cookie.