Archive for May, 2010


Liveblogging the Indy 500

May 30, 2010

It’s the greatest spectacle farce in racing! It’s the 94th Indy 500! I watch this stuff so you don’t have to!

Read the rest of this entry ?


Who Would Have Thought Entertainment Weekly Would Talk Hockey?

May 29, 2010

So I’m perusing Entertainment Weekly for my daily dose of reputable celebrity gossip, when I stumble across this article. The site interviewed Mike Bolt, the Cup’s official wrangler/BFF about some of the wackiest celebrity encounters he’s had with the Cup. After reading his list, I really wish I could interview Chris Chelios. Dude has had a hell of a career and could probably share some killer stories.

So I hope we all enjoy the Stanley Cup Finals, and Ryan Miller’s special guest star performance as an analyst opposite Pierre & Milbury. What has a greater chance of happening: Miller in a crazy suit, Miller raising a wonky brow in confusion after something one of the ACME Brain trust says, or Miller snapping and going all “bitch, please” on one of them?

Prediction: Hawks in 6.


Flies on the Wall

May 24, 2010

There’s been some recent implications by some members of the mass media that Tim Connolly is currently an issue in the locker room. Some writers (coughSullycough) have stated that several of Timmy’s teammates are disenchanted with Timmy’s play. Mike Harrington even implied as much on Twitter this afternoon. We here at Shots off the Crossbar accessed our super secret spycams to be a fly on the wall in the Sabres locker room to get to the bottom of this situation.

Timmy: “‘Sup, dogs.”

:::crickets chirp:::

Timmy: “What did I do?”

Millsy: “Nothing. That’s the problem.” [goes back to taping something or other]

Timmy: “You have to understand. It’s difficult being me.”

Goose: “It’s difficult being all of us. We’re a team. We win together. We lose together. That’s how it goes. You’re dragging us down. We can’t even listen to the honking radio without being accosted by your dreckitude.”

Timmy: “That’s fine. Thank you for bringing that to my attention, here. In private.”

Vanek: “What’s that supposed to mean?”

Timmy: “Somehow, the distinguished members of the fourth estate know that you all are pissed at me.”

Pommers: “The fourth estate?”

Timmy: “The press.”

Pommers: “Oh. I thought you might have bought another house.”

Timmy: “Oy” [rubs a hand sheepishly over his forehead and cheek].  “Still, whenever you guys are bitching at me, there’s no media in the room. Where the hell are they getting this [profanity redacted] from?”

Timmy’s rant is interrupted by the sound of small thwacks coming from the players lounge. Our intrepid Timmy goes to investigate and it’s revealed that Sabretooth is throwing darts at a picture of Timmy nailed to a dartboard. The picture appears to be well pockmarked, so it’s fairly obvious that the cat has been at it for awhile.

Timmy: “The damn cat is ratting me out?! I want to talk to someone in power!” and stomps away.


* Yo. In case you didn’t realize it, this was satire. No super secret spycams are in the Sabres locker room.


We Are the World

May 19, 2010

Earlier today, Adfreak (the official blog of Adweek magazine) tweeted about Cleveland’s “We Are LeBron” effort to help convince King James to remain a Cleveland Cavalier. I know Cleveland is taking this more personally than other high profile athlete contract discussions because LeBron is the hometown boy, but this video officially takes the cake. The NY Times dug into the story a little bit more, and it turns out that the video came together relatively quickly, and that all parties involved were happy to participate. I’m gobsmacked that the creators managed to get political figures to participate. Local officials are one thing, but to get the Governor of the Great State of Ohio to participate is a major coup d’etat.

Could you imagine if Buffalo had put together such a video? First, we’d need to find a local sports figure who’s worth it. Apologies to any Bills and Sabres out there in the audience, but right now, Ryan Miller is the only “name” dude that Buffalo has on a roster. And since he’s under contract for the next four years, this is all just a pipe dream, but roll with it. (However, the annual Miller-to-Detroit rumors have stirred themselves up again. I’ll just let you all go read Detroit Reporter A smacking Down Detroit Reporter B on this one.)

The copywriting for the video could be done by one of the many talented writers we have in Buffalo. Shoot, I think some bloggers would do it for a couple of beers and a pizza. We’d have to make sure to hit all the high points, snow, weather, the fans, Wegmans, puckbunnies, chicken wings, Olmsted parks, the Elmwood Village, etc.

However, the real fun would be in the casting. Imagine the local celebrities that could appear:

  • Radio personalities like Shredd & Ragan, Janet Snyder and Clay & Dale. Note that I picked one personality from each radio ownership group in town to avoid anyone screaming about bias.
  • TV personalities like Don Paul & The Why Guy. We’re leaving Mario Genero off this list after her kinda-sorta-cougar-ish performance during the Sabres weekly show two seasons ago. I’ve consciously avoided any sports related media personalities just because it might be considered a conflict of interest. It would be funny as hell, but probably not in their best interest.
  • Local personalities like Billy Fucillo, Ivano Toscano & Goldie Gardner.
  • Of course, we’d have to shoehorn Mayor Brown in, but I think he’d be easy to convince. There’s cameras and microphones there, after all. (And on a sub-bullet, when is Miller going to get a key to the city? I’d hate for anyone to think that VH1’s cameras were the only reason TO received a key. Meanwhile, Miller was Captain America this past season and what has he gotten for his efforts? Nothing! Not even a laurel & hearty handshake.)
  • I don’t think we could get the governor, sadly. Unless there was a very large donation made to a Democratic party organization. We might get Senator Schumer; he seems to have a pretty good sense of humor. And he’s another one who never met a microphone he didn’t like.
  • Local mascots Sabretooth, Buster Bison, Billy Buffalo, Petey Griff & Victor Bull can be in the back row doing a wave or holding up lighters & swaying to the beat. On second thought, maybe furry mascots with lighters isn’t the best idea. How about them holding up cell phones & swaying?
  • Those guys with the “Let’s Go Buffalo” signs & wigs from the 100 Level at HSBC Arena.

Anyone or anything else that I am forgetting?


I’m Feeling Old

May 16, 2010

Want to know why? Jim Henson passed away 20 years ago today. Henson took felt, ping-pong balls and humor and created some of the most endearing children’s programming ever. Here’s a couple of my favorites…

How can you be sad after lalalala’ing your way through this?

The darn crocodiles get me every time.

Big Bird and Swedish Chef? That’s made of win, for sure.

And just so there’s some legit hockey content in this post, the NHL video editing monkeys have already created the Flyers “History will be made” ad.


I’m Not Dead…Just Been Out of Town

May 11, 2010

I spent the past weekend in Northeast Indiana attending my cousin’s graduation from Trine University. The highlight of the ceremony – after seeing my cousin get his diploma, of course – was hearing Bobby Knight speak. Knight, who was awarded an honorary degree from the university, promptly removed his gown & hood before addressing the assembled crowd. He said that he wasn’t comfortable speaking in such fancy apparel and prefered to speak in a sweater and khakis, since that’s what he works in.

His speech contained a fair mix of basketball stories, mainly about Coach K and Michael Jordan, as well as practical advice for the graduates. My favorite story of all the ones that he told focused on a man and grandfather, walking to town with their donkey. Every person they passed had a different piece of advice about who should walk the donkey and who should ride on the donkey. And the boy and his grandfather listened to every single person. However, because of all the monkeying around with the donkey, the donkey ultimately died before they reached town. The moral of the story is that if you try to please everyone, you’re going to lose your ass.

And really, isn’t that a great piece of advice for new grads, or anyone for that matter?


A Picture is Worth 1,000 Words

May 3, 2010

Zdeno Chara is so good that he tries to take Briere’s head off with Briere’s own stick.

As seen on ESPN’s homepage a couple of minutes ago.

Moving on,

And I know that Timmy’s not 34, but at some point, Lindy Lassie is going to stop fetching him from whatever well he falls into during the playoffs. If that happens, the threat of getting sent to a farm downstate is going to look like the least of Timmy’s problems.