Archive for February 13th, 2011

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A New, Upgraded System

February 13, 2011

We here at Shots Off the Crossbar are big fans of The System. However, it is about time that Lindy Ruff slightly adjust The System. I’m not saying that The System should be completely thrown out the window, but that The System should be upgraded.

Upgrade #1: Ryan Miller needs rest desperately. He shall be relegated to his apartment with a 100% full DVR, a laptop, a full refrigerator and Patrick Lalime to order takeout. His only role during this time is to sleep, watch TV and get some rest. He may not leave the apartment until the DVR is completely empty. If he tries to leave the apartment before the appointed time, he shall be met by several bloggers with their keyboards of fury at the ready, at which point he will be so intimidated and have no choice but to return to the apartment and finish watching TV and resting.

Upgrade #2: While Miller undergoes the Seven Days of Sloth portion of the upgrade, Patrick Lalime will be quietly stripped of any goaltending responsibilities and Jonas Enroth will  be called up from Portland. Lalime will serve as a goalie of affairs for Miller and Enroth, attending to equipment and morale.

Upgrade #3: Drew Stafford shall be cloned and the Stafford clone shall start wearing #55 sweaters and assuming Hecht’s place in the lineup.

Upgrade #4: Tim Connolly should be sent to a farm upstate where he can live out the rest of his days in scholarly pursuits.

Upgrade #5: Jason Pominville will change his pregame Timmy Ho’s muffin order to a banana nut instead of a berry. The added fiber will lead to regularity, which will hopefully translate to on-ice regularity.

Upgrade #6: Patrick Kaleta will calm the heck down and stop looking for trouble and let trouble find him. To ensure this will happen, Kaleta will be fitted with a goofy buzzer inside his helmet that is remote controlled from the bench. When Kaleta is wandering dangerously close to the trouble line, Patrick will zap him before he steps over the line and does anything detrimental to the team.

What other System Upgrades would you recommend?

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